Growing up? Error 404 not found.

Uh so I guess 2025 has finally begun, and somehow, unbelievably, I am in my last year of school(I personally like to call it Shaam Ko Tuition Pvt. Ltd.). My system has been experiencing a whole lot of too many feelings, too few feelings, no feelings found since the year started. And no, it’s not because of some teenage love drama—I am far too sanskari (we don’t talk about that) for that. It’s more about me growing up (though, according to my mom, that process hit pause somewhere in 6th grade). I think I am so (not) ready for this. I tell myself I can’t wait to be independent and blah blah blah, but let’s be real—I am far too diplomatic for that talk. So, as a finely intelligent being, I have taken a moment to analyze and present what the hell is WRONG with me (ringing up maturity in dreamland).

Starting off strong—I cannot express gratitude. And I know you all must be very curious on how I pondered upon this wonderful skill of mine. So, it’s story time. A few days ago… or a month ago… or maybe a year ago (honestly, this has been a lifelong struggle), I discovered that I am physically incapable of saying a simple thank you. It’s like my brain short-circuits the moment someone gives me a compliment. A friend told me they loved my writing two days ago, and instead of responding like a normal person, I just stood there beeping and grinning like a malfunctioning robot. Hello, back to Earth? Why is my default response to appreciation just awkward silence?(I blame it on my so very stable desi household). It’s not even about not feeling grateful—I do! But the moment I have to voice it, my entire system crashes. It’s as if my brain has decided that expressing basic human emotions is a premium feature that I haven’t unlocked yet.

Next we’ve got decision-making skills—or the absolute lack of them. If you ever want to see true chaos, just put me in a situation where I have to choose literally anything. Even something as simple as which notebook to use for each subject (yes, it matters). My mind treats every decision like a life-or-death situation, and instead of choosing, I just… delay it till it becomes someone else’s problem.

The most controversial one, I am a misandrist. Look, I don’t hate men. I just think it’s funny how ‘respecting women’ is still considered a personality trait instead of basic human decency. Look, I respect good men. I do. And yeah I am not going any further than this maybe we’ll have another blog on this. (no I don’t trust myself) Also I do not consider this as something being wrong with myself but some might so I am being nice and just putting it out there.

Also I am a typical rule follower—which, as we all know, works brilliantly in Gujarat. I am the person who at the farsan shop will patiently wait for my turn on a Sunday. I am made to stand at the corner when we go shopping because instead of bargaining, I will be the firangi who pays more. I am the person who actually reads the terms and conditions (well, almost). I call it being a responsible citizen. And yet, for some reason, I like to pretend I have a bold personality when in reality, I am just a 60-year-old grandma trapped in a teenager’s body. I have the energy levels of someone who needs an afternoon nap, the back pain of someone who has seen life, and the extreme need for things to be “done properly” like a retired school principal.

To top it all off, I judge way too quickly. I judge, categorize, and form unsolicited opinions within milliseconds. I go by the quote “judge a book by its cover”. Ha mera door tak koi nata nhi hai with Samuel Johnson but if someone confidently says "I didn’t knew that" or "Your looking nice", my brain immediately shuts down. It’s not even a conscious decision—it's a reflex. I physically cannot focus on what they’re saying because my internal grammar police sirens are blaring. Type "thx" instead of "thanks"? Borderline criminal behavior. Do I know this is irrational? Yes. Will I stop doing it? Highly doubtful.

And yeah that’s about it (for today). Now if you don’t mind , I need to mull over the word called ‘Apricity’ and that’s my task for the day. You see I already have my task for the day decided cause I am always one step ahead(yeah right).